Tuesday, April 29, 2008
as some people know, this month, particularly this month many "bad" things happened.
it hurts and makes me feel sad when i ask myself, what have i done myself other then wasting time doing nothing, skipping class harming myself in many many ways. what have i done for my mom? what have i done for anyone?
i was in san francisco 2 days back. i saw this old lady that was eating biscuits, she definitely look older then my mom. she was carrying bags of cans, plastic just trying to earn a living. that scene, i doubt i can forget. because i can imagine my mom being in that position, in that outfit in that kind of lifestyle because i am unable to provide for her anything when shes old. it hurts. don't say it won't come true, you never know what the future is gonna be like.
my mom told me to study hard, i didnt listen to her
my mom told me not to smoke, i didnt listen to her
my mom told me not to be lazy, i didnt listen to her.
my mom told me to drive safely, i didnt listen to her.
my mom told me to save money, i didnt listen to her
my mom told me to stop playing with girls, i didnt listen to her.
i never did listen to her.
after all the freedom i get, the feeling of being to spend money, i never did listen to her. i always said i wanted to change, but the end i didn't change. on top of that, i further sinked in. down and down to a mess that i couldnt get myself out of. for this 3.5 years in the states, i gained many experiences, good and bad ones. but overall it just made me into someone worse off. sometimes i feel ashamed. what have i achieved? none.
i gave my mom more sadness than happiness. it was the same with stella too. i brought her more sadness than happiness. i always bring more pain than happiness to people around me, the people i love. im self-centered, useless and just too stubborn. wasted my youth and now i guess 10 years down the road i will have to pay for the price for it.
i lied to myself about my future. i lied to myself about everything. people say there is always tomorrow, but not many people did realise that tomorrow are for idiots. waiting and waiting for tomorrow to come and another tomorrow
i wonder why im like this. even a thousand apologies wouldnt be able to clear the sins that i committed this 3 years here. i changed so much, i don't know what im like.
i hated myself for being like this.
i want to change, for the better.
i will make tomorrow a better day. i will.